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these peculiar ways

March 31, 2017

I think I have a job, which I think justifies me a little more to the air I breathe. Then I wonder if I’ll be able to justify expectations, at which point I forget to breathe again.

I have multiple friends expecting, while I’ve just gone through multiple pads. I don’t mind that much, really; I have a lovely marriage with a better man than I could have ever asked for, so this is competitiveness speaking, I suppose. A sort of, let me prove I’m not a failure.

Not, that conceiving is about personal validation, nor should it be, but I am in danger of going that route and I would rather not, so- they say bringing things to light does, well, something, so let’s see what happens. And since we are waiting, let us also prepare for his being away for weeks every now and then, as things must be, must play out this particular way.

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Sometimes, when the ardour of the years have faded, and I’m no longer as in love as I once was, as sure that we are forever, now coming to you reluctantly, when before I would not have imagined it.

In these days, as they are now, I still tell you I want us for the years to come, that time with you still matters. You say thank you for lunch and meaningful conversation, and I agree. Even meaningful conversation is rarer, and so I intend to keep you, take what I can get.

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Perfect.

It’s been

March 17, 2017

Furniture filling up the spaces where before they were empty, and long-held plans materialising
Parks and recreation, and being introduced to bad Chris Pratt songs
Fulfilling promises made whilst apart for belated birthday and anniversary celebrations
Ikea. Multiple Ikea.
Hardware shopping
Finding out habits, and negotiating some of them
A partner at mealtime

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Isy asked today why we have so many little things, like a stuffed toy crab and other bits. I didn’t know what to say, except that that’s who we are –
Singing little made-up ditties in the car, arguing who proposed to who.

Lent began last Wednesday; I didn’t know. I thought it this Wednesday. I had wanted to take some time to meditate, choose something to do without for 40 days, go to an Ash Wednesday service. Now I feel like the world is on holy filter and I’m stumbling unready, unprepared.

That Myanmar has a history dating back to the bronze age. This book is due tomorrow and I’m just on their kingdom of Pagan (mid 9th century, to the 14th). I don’t know if I’ll make it to today. There are many things I don’t know about my southeast Asian neighbours, but Singapore’s national library is excellent.

My husband has a flair for DIY. I’ve always suspected, though, so the confirmation is nice. Setting up home is nice.

If the gospel is all my life, if I’m living as He would have me to. Spirit, read me.

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February 24, 2017

– more days to a new life. Half-new? I wonder what it’ll be like, how we’ll settle in.

– years since his training begun. 3 years and 3 months, to be more accurate.

– anniversaries

Rummage

February 8, 2017

1. If one is confident, or proficient, an assessment is even a source of excitement.

2. However, if one is uncertain, or only certain of one’s unskillfullnes, c’est pas malheur. Just turning up, is also an accomplishment, its own merit.

We can all turn up. There is no shame in turning up to fail. There does exist the sting of failure, especially when it happens over anything we care particularly about, but disappointment is not shame. Do not confuse the two. We who arrive and fail, can still hold our heads up. Failure to show, however, is a close relative of averted eyes.

Annual love letter to God

February 6, 2017

Was not written in time for my birthday, after all. Nor is this it.

Listening Adele sing a song of regret and movies. The weather isn’t obvious enough for netball to be called either way.

It’s Stephanie Sun’s turn; she’s singing about stars and light, yours and mine. She’s searching, and maybe so am I. We are dust, after all.

Can I really help? Am I a source of support, or a burden, or a series of messages to be ignored?

Ed shereen sees fire, and wants to be remembered. well. that sounds about right.