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February 11, 2018

Day eleven has turned to day fifty eight; my household decreases by one after this night turns to afternoon, trois heurs après-midi. My son is fifty eight days old; nothing and forever, all at once.

I wrote on her 红包 that her absence will be felt; I also wanted to ask her to be better to future grandmothers but left it unsaid; I hope it will be remembered in any case.

I’m waiting for ten minutes to pass for another pump cycle before I wait for sleep; I do not like my newer, (slightly) bigger breasts; I think well-endowedness is an impediment. I get the grouchiest at night; I do not know what my newnormal will be tomorrow, trois heurs après-midi.

In my mind is a party in which one old friend is delightfully received, but a glimpsed other is longed for. Driving home at night with orange streetlights for company and Spotify playing in the background. A welcomed heartache.

The after 3p.m. plan- feed him (hopefully the timing works), dump bedsheets and laundry and towels into the machine, pump. If the child is docile it will work.

Perhaps I should begin at 230. Oh, but 3 would work better. Life.

I have a friend who’s writing down memories of sadness, to analyse them with her pastor and later work on her relationship with her mother. I have stuff to work on with my mother too. Will I face the same unpleasant process one day?

I want to still recognise myself.

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Another

February 7, 2018

https://www.whattoexpect.com/forums/exclusive-pumping/topic/exclusively-pumping-is-so-hard-2.html

“Exclusive pumping provides the worst of both breast and formula feeding. Like breastfeeding, it is hard work, the mother’s breasts are constantly ‘in demand’ and the weight of responsibility… ; And like formula feeding, bottles still need to be steralized.”

(The alpha parent)

Edit: including this article too- https://socialweaver.co/knowledge-nuggets/5-things-I-wish-someone-had-told-me-about-breastfeeding?id=263

 

 

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