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these peculiar ways

March 31, 2017

I think I have a job, which I think justifies me a little more to the air I breathe. Then I wonder if I’ll be able to justify expectations, at which point I forget to breathe again.

I have multiple friends expecting, while I’ve just gone through multiple pads. I don’t mind that much, really; I have a lovely marriage with a better man than I could have ever asked for, so this is competitiveness speaking, I suppose. A sort of, let me prove I’m not a failure.

Not, that conceiving is about personal validation, nor should it be, but I am in danger of going that route and I would rather not, so- they say bringing things to light does, well, something, so let’s see what happens. And since we are waiting, let us also prepare for his being away for weeks every now and then, as things must be, must play out this particular way.

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Sometimes, when the ardour of the years have faded, and I’m no longer as in love as I once was, as sure that we are forever, now coming to you reluctantly, when before I would not have imagined it.

In these days, as they are now, I still tell you I want us for the years to come, that time with you still matters. You say thank you for lunch and meaningful conversation, and I agree. Even meaningful conversation is rarer, and so I intend to keep you, take what I can get.

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