I forgot

January 9, 2017

Today, we bought durians; I opened five of them myself, and gave most away. I asked my grandmother if she’d like to go to heaven, and she said my uncle has been telling her to pray to the gods.

It’s been hard to sleep. I toss and turn, and think about clear minds, clear eyes, and light. There was a dragon dance and drums, at dinner. I saw eusoff colours in a singlet today, and it was hard to look away.

What else? Half a week ago, a lifetime ago, I came back from a burial and asked if I could skip the lunar new year, be alone, fly away, not make visits. Please.

I missed my chance, I just realised, and silently laugh at myself. I don’t like long-distance, but there is nothing to be done about it but grace, and peut-être a good face.


And that’s okay.


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