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January 25, 2017

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I argued with you

January 14, 2017

But you stayed, and we ended with I love yous.

January 13, 2017

I failed today’s lesson pretty spectacularily badly. It’s been awhile since I had this feeling; but as with all unpleasant emotions, sitting it through has lot to do with, well, riding it out. I will sit, ride, and try again in good time.

I forgot

January 9, 2017

Today, we bought durians; I opened five of them myself, and gave most away. I asked my grandmother if she’d like to go to heaven, and she said my uncle has been telling her to pray to the gods.

It’s been hard to sleep. I toss and turn, and think about clear minds, clear eyes, and light. There was a dragon dance and drums, at dinner. I saw eusoff colours in a singlet today, and it was hard to look away.

What else? Half a week ago, a lifetime ago, I came back from a burial and asked if I could skip the lunar new year, be alone, fly away, not make visits. Please.

I missed my chance, I just realised, and silently laugh at myself. I don’t like long-distance, but there is nothing to be done about it but grace, and peut-ĂȘtre a good face.

_

And that’s okay.

Foretaste

January 2, 2017

On the way home, i knew i’d want the durians in the freezer. Decided to distract myself with Facebook while waiting for them to thaw. Mistake one was that i ate them frozen anyway while surfing so wasn’t fully present to taste, and secondly, everyone was posting new year reflections and family photos and that completely drove home the reality that i have just come from the airport where i’d sent my husband off.

he kept reminding me today that this was the last stretch and we’d never go through this again from after onwards, never have to live through forced separation and different homes in strange lands.

It’s been three years; I’ve never known anything else in our marriage. Curiouser and curiouser.

I hope time flies.