November 19, 2016


Today has been such an interesting day.

As you know, insomnia visited last night, and I was up at least till past three. At seven, my alarm rang, and I snoozed it until the parents said they were on their way. We were going out.

We went to the place you first concocted our connect four game, one we have played till this day. I think it was also the same night I repeatedly leaned backwards into the pond, confident always that you’d catch me. You did, every time, although you also thought I was crazy. But you decided I was the one anyway.

The pond is gone now, I don’t know what they’re going to do with that space. It’s under construction.

The parents brought bicycles, and we cycled around as far as Lorong Halaus. I told them we’d walked there once, from home, and cabbed back, because it had been tiring. I enjoyed that day so much, though, as I had the night with the planes and pond. Mommy keeps talking about taking you out when you’re back, and wondering how you are. We all miss you!

Tonight, after prayer meeting, I was hungry again, and I bought fruit to stave it- after all, I had had a full plate of hokkien mee for dinner. But you know, I ended up taking the lift back down to order more food. I know you won’t be surprised reading this. But guess what happened then?

Whilst eating, i overheard a middle aged lady asking the elderly cleaner if he’d eaten. He said he had. I recognised him by his cap; he was the smiley uncle. Actually, all our cleaners are nice, you’ll like them as much as I do.

When I had finished my meal, I went up to him and asked him the same question, and got the same answer. I guess I just wanted him to know more than one person cared. Then, to my surprise, he said-

“You’re the one who bought me a drink the other day. Sorry, just now I didn’t recognise you”.

I was taken aback, because I had given the dollar to the drink stall and asked them to make the drink when he had a break, and I hadn’t identified myself. But it was a happy embarrassment.

Uncle then asked if I’m Christian. Turns out he’s a Catholic, and goes to the Catholic church down the road. He studied there, too. I said he must have been in hougang for a long time. He pointed across the road and said he used to live there.

When it was a kampong?, I asked.

No, it was all sea after that.

Dearest, the elderly around us are living history, and they are so precious. When you’re home, we’ll take the lift down, and you’ll see what I mean.

Loving you so much,



I have become more animated at netball, and I don’t think it’s me anymore on court- it’s someone loud and wisecracking, yelling at something every other minute, or breaking into laughter.

Or maybe it is me, except I’d distance myself from me.

Nikolas (greek spelling because differentiation) asked me how I’m so skinny (genes, no kids), and we talked a little about family.  He said his three brothers were good for fights as kids, and I said I used to fight with my brother. He said he could still see the feistyness on court. I am quite bossy on court.

I wonder what people who are watching and don’t know me, think. I’m getting a cringey feeling. And don’t wanna be so noisy anymore.

More interestingly than my 1a.m. critiques, is that this reminded me of something else from long ago so I went to my old place to look it up:


I did very much enjoy being part of forbidden love, though.


suddenly I realise that after eleven years, very little sticks. Which, ladies and gentlemen, strikes me as both liberating and searching.

November 14, 2016

Today, after lunch, the parents decided they wanted to go to Bishan park for awhile. They parked near an area with flowers that might have once had a guitar strummed on it, or some sort of planning. I can’t remember exactly; memories fade.

There were old ghosts there, but the parents didn’t notice and were more unsettled with the anglers using live bait because it’s apparently illegal. A small lizard with a raised head stared at me when I sat on its bench, then at my mom after I started and jumped away. Dad watched the anglers. Three fish were caught.

Later, I sat across an old friend and we decided to stay. We took turns to take tissue from the packet. We prayed at the end, and briefly held hands when we said goodbye.

I still don’t know why Jesus cursed the fig tree and died to redeem, but there are many thoughts in the world and weddings and garlic honey chicken and books are the contradictions waving themselves in my face from the same basket. If there are forests and trees then these are the leaves, silver and green and blue and sometimes a beautiful abstract is meaning enough.

Tomorrow I will finish the lo bak I made, with porridge. I also need to buy contact lens solution, pick up my last item from the seamstress and hopefully have tea with maybs. Then I will be content with netball (please, weather, be good to me) and a bcm supper with extra lard by the gentle Chinese man who does it just right and speaks eloquently to me in Mandarin. He possibly knows I don’t always understand.

Headwrapped by fog

November 3, 2016

I went through a lot of trouble for x, shifting four other appointments to make one, all of which I had wanted in the first place. I am regretting the situation now; I find I prefer how it looked originally, even if x had to be sacrificed. But to shift everythingg back will be greater folly- this shall be my stupid mistake of the year. Bah. My gut is not sitting right. Sigh.

Not like much in my life is sitting right anyway. At least I am consistent.

And in a month, I won’t be thinking of this so preemptation, leave me alone.