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September 26, 2016

Hi, September has been quiet here, and it is passing. I thought I had news, then I didn’t, or rather it turned a different sort of information, then I had news of different sorts again.

The brother-in-law visited, and we were sad to send him off yesterday. I ought to be vacuuming the apartment, dusting literal cobwebs, but there are corners in my own mind asking for airing first.

I am generally the sort of person who speaks frankly, and prefer frankness in return. Two weekends ago I said I’d choose honesty over happiness, and say it again. I abstractly understand that there are perfectly delightful people who would have happiness over honesty, and while that is rather mind boggling for me, I see carefully choosing another’s happiness at the expense of one’s honesty as a startling expression of love. I still prefer honesty, though-

I acknowledge that submitting another’s happiness above one’s honesty is superior to direct arguments for self. Ideally, both parties are free to speak openly and eloquently without fear of the other backtracking too quickly. I would love to speak fully and hear you speak to the end- a complex situation benefits from both perspectives explored as thoroughly as possible.

But argument is an art, and I’m afraid I sound more like a bull sometimes. And it isn’t too logical to stand ground against a bull. My toreador rarely fights with me. So I lose anyway. Don’t wna lose anymore.

I don’t like what this is going to mean for me, but this twisting in the pit of my gut is familiar by now. I’m going to try, and hopefully it will be worth it.

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