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Truncatedly yours, lost control

March 29, 2016

Sitting on the train, beginning my two hour commute as the voice overhead cautions “surveillance” and good travels. Brussels was a little too close to home, I suppose. But so much pain in so much of the world; perhaps all our flags should be black.

I just told my brother, that for all the awfulness and heartache we grieve for, facing pain and sacrificing well brings a beauty others see.

I lost a little of that vision this weekend; more than a little, as the promise of death defeated and life everlasting seemed too distant, too abstract. There was a Man who walked the loneliest road for your freedom and mine and all creation, but news that John has a two day week and I have no part of it because vagabond life threw me somewhat off kilter. It took a dogged conversation me making him frustrated and some bible reading together before I came to my senses. I suppose couples have different off days- does one take it apart from another? Anything is possible, I suppose- but in honesty, I have little center right now; little normal or reference. Sometimes things upset me but I can’t explain myself; something feels all wrong but when I’m already seated upside down, who can say what should be? 

I don’t want to sit upside down and I don’t want these crumpled feelings – it comes to me that I am struggling (still) with control lost, lost control. Each time life serves up another unexpected change or an uncertain one, helplessness knocks on my door and squats on the doorstep all over again. I don’t like helplessness; he makes me angry and scared.

For this reason I am in equal parts impressed and perplexed by John, who moves on unperturbed regardless x event triggering yours truly. I want him to react, because to me that means event matters to him too. But most times he doesn’t, and I am confounded, which spins upside down me- as if sitting on my head for three months now isn’t draining enough. Why doesn’t he react, why does he not feel what I feel? What is normal, or isn’t? So little reference.

I would like to know what’s proper, and what isn’t, so I can respond appropriately. Be upset when I should, and sensible all other times. I would like some calibration.

Can anyone tell me? Where does courage and well sacrifice come in- regardless? Or avec differentiation?

I’m going to end with questions; I never had an answer anyway.

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