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oh, i don’t know

May 12, 2015

Where home is. Wang Lee Hom is playing hauntingly in my head telling me all I didn’t know, and I read a book on the aftermath of the first world war today. I tried to cook for my family the second time and once again it wasn’t a great success. I’m wondering what is real.

I think my red nexus is dying; I would like a sumsung next. I would like it the same shade of blinding red. I went out for dinner last night and received a bright green nalgene at the table; a surprise. i didn’t know your bottle was cracked; I got it on impulse. and i think we’ve bought more bottles for you than you have yourself. too right, old friends. I don’t know why these blessings exist in my life.

Maybe friends don’t come in the form or age we expect them to, perhaps vintages can be a surprise. I promised myself at nineteen that I wouldn’t be the aunty who wrapped herself in her family and lose the crown of sisterhood along the way; some years now, I can see how easy it would be to. i don’t feel like being friends with her now, we’re diverging; I don’t think x and I could really go deep; I’m self-sufficient. but self-sufficiency is a lie.

I suspect such and such will be the country next, and for all my improvement I find it in myself to be ddisappointed. When will things be better; would married life really only settle after he leaves the military? And, why is it that the family is sacrificed for country here, but supported and a supporter of, elsewhere? I would like to feel that our family was supported by our country’s military, and in return wholly support his service to Singapore. As it is, I give him my blessing, but fight with them for my husband with the same breath.

Pastor said on Sunday, the more we know Jesus, the less we need to know the future. i wrote those words on the red packet I gave Jason and Gayle later that night. The more we know Jesus, the less we need to know the future- the only thing I need to know before marriage is that he loves God, the most important wifely prayer I can utter is that he loves God first. The rest will follow through, we’re told. And well. I have no other words to live by, so I’ll trod along with these-

一步又一步.

這是恩典之路.

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