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more Dorianne Laux than me/what i do not understand

April 13, 2015

i do not understand why i am so sad
or lonely; surely it doesn’t matter this much-
meaning to say, if he is strong why can’t i be?
surely it is all the same.

Today, pumping gas into my old car, I stood
hatless in the rain and the whole world
went silent–cars on the wet street
sliding past without sound, the attendant’s
mouth opening and closing on air
as he walked from pump to pump, his footsteps
erased in the rain–nothing
but the tiny numbers in their square windows
rolling by my shoulder, the unstoppable seconds
gliding by as I stood at the Chevron,
balanced evenly on my two feet, a gas nozzle
gripped in my hand, my hair gathering rain.

i think my options are to cling to a knife or
give up the pain and work on walling my heart up,
brick by brick. The vibrations of my phone make
me cry when it is not him summoning me.
The empty ringtone is easier than silence.

I finally believed I was alone, felt it
in my actual, visceral heart, heard it echo
like a thin bell. And the sounds
came back, the slish of tires
and footsteps, all the delicate cargo
they carried saying thank you
and yes. So I paid and climbed into my car
as if nothing had happened–
as if everything mattered–What else could I do?

name your price for staying in the moment;
mine is the knife
for willing for tomorrow. i gulp down hot green tea
for – what, i do not know, comfort, maybe,
its yellowish liquid rushing down my throat
as i count the number of times i swallow.

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2 Responses to “more Dorianne Laux than me/what i do not understand”

  1. debloone Says:

    :(


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