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would i; i would

March 31, 2014

my heart is deceitful, and i am a jewel surgeon. give me six strings of tangled stones, and i will voluntarily close myself in a room to frown for an hour.

i have been given a new heart, one day i will have a new heart; which, and when? i would like it now, would like to be good now. am tired of my duplicity, would turn the other leaf if i dared, but i dare not. there is nowhere to turn, now that i have found Him. if i’m sorry, does that count?

i can’t remember the last time i enjoyed a meandering walk, or whiled my way through some scenery. These days, I am possibly too preoccupied with justifying my existence, proving the worth of my days. Once, when my time was my own, I could have sat by a bench and thought, or watched the egrets fly; these days, I wife half the time, and monitor my productivity rate the other half.  i am my own walking public relations, i am undergoing a rebranding exercise. where did my other ghosts go?

is this why i dream of throwing leaves, of gathered flowers? – a startling thought. if my liberty were returned to me, if expectations let go, if i were trusted, would i -, would i -, would i -?

yet i would have no SOPs that could be followed, no KPIs to show for my usefulness. am i a matter of presentation? perhaps like daniel, i should bargain for a test, an opportunity to persuade my captor that i am worth loving.

i have spoken my heart out. it is enough. i shall return to my wifely life, and wait for the day the egrets fly past my eyes, once more.

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