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would i; i would

March 31, 2014

my heart is deceitful, and i am a jewel surgeon. give me six strings of tangled stones, and i will voluntarily close myself in a room to frown for an hour.

i have been given a new heart, one day i will have a new heart; which, and when? i would like it now, would like to be good now. am tired of my duplicity, would turn the other leaf if i dared, but i dare not. there is nowhere to turn, now that i have found Him. if i’m sorry, does that count?

i can’t remember the last time i enjoyed a meandering walk, or whiled my way through some scenery. These days, I am possibly too preoccupied with justifying my existence, proving the worth of my days. Once, when my time was my own, I could have sat by a bench and thought, or watched the egrets fly; these days, I wife half the time, and monitor my productivity rate the other half.  i am my own walking public relations, i am undergoing a rebranding exercise. where did my other ghosts go?

is this why i dream of throwing leaves, of gathered flowers? – a startling thought. if my liberty were returned to me, if expectations let go, if i were trusted, would i -, would i -, would i -?

yet i would have no SOPs that could be followed, no KPIs to show for my usefulness. am i a matter of presentation? perhaps like daniel, i should bargain for a test, an opportunity to persuade my captor that i am worth loving.

i have spoken my heart out. it is enough. i shall return to my wifely life, and wait for the day the egrets fly past my eyes, once more.

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but nothing much has changed. i’m still in tpy, owing to a lousy boss who says stay in, still staying up late because there’s work going on the other side where he is. 

the question of ‘how’s married life’ comes pretty often; i guess people just like reminding us and themselves of the giddyness of newfound marriage, haha. it’s nice to receive their smiles et al, especially the older ones; there must be something about marriage if even the oldly married take an interest in the status change. and i’ve managed to include the word marriag/ed in every sentence so far. including the previous one. i am rather amused. 

am currently looking up food around the world, but then i got distracted by … something i wanted to share but then i couldn’t without rambling and sounding ignorant and bordering on… well, whatever ignorance breeds is not good news. 

1.21 a.m., goodnight worldd