Note to self:

February 13, 2014

Remember the man I’m marrying. Remember more-

Than the nights spent staying up while he’s studying, while he’s working, while he’s settling his course-mates’ conflicts and I wonder to what end, am I staying up for, and whether I make any difference, if things mightn’t be the same if he were single. Remember more-

Than the confusion in my head and heart, and the thoughts that whisper to me you’re only getting the leftovers of him, he’s been so tired recently; your sacrifice is useless, you’re staying up hoping you guys can do your nightly calls, but he’s going to tell you he’s too tired, he’s going to call it a night, you’re going to have stayed up for nothing. Remember more-

Than the sinking feeling within my insides, the fears and doubts that make me touch my phone every minute or two, wanting a message from him, ears tensed up, to hear the buzz of the phone against my bedsheets, biting my lip for a note that will tell me he’s ready, it’s my turn now, I’m sent for, I’m wanted. Because-

Holding on to hope can be a tearful struggle, trying to believe can be hard. We’ve barely begun, and tonight I know the worst is yet to be. But I came on tonight to wrestle it out that-

I will remember the man I am marrying, I will remember he is to be loved more than myself. I affirm this means supporting his efforts, knowing how much he tries. I will remember this man I am marrying has a tender heart, is slow to anger, and quick to forgive. This man I am marrying, has a cheerful spirit, a yearning for that great day, a hope for glory. This man I am marrying, is proud of me.

It is 1:42 in the morning and I am so tired my body’s veins are reverberating. We are three days to the wedding, but where we are now I can’t see that far, I can’t see three days ahead. Are we supposed to feel this low?

then I go bloghopping a bit (a bit because no one really writes anymore) and see a post of someone excited about our marriage. it lifts my spirits up, it’s nice that something we’re doing means something for someone.

I don’t know how long I’ll be up tonight, or what I’ll be doing, or how many more nights like this are to come- but I’m going to stay up anyway in case he needs me, in case he sounds out, because we’re a team. And team mates have each other’s backs.


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