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i just want to say

February 14, 2014

wedding rehearsal tonight had a strange effect on me.

– rehearsing the processional, waiting at the preparation room for the music to begin, was the very first time the fact that i’m getting married sunk in.

– i briefly contemplated pleading overwhelmness.

– wedding prep has a subtle way of distancing a relationship. john and i have been good and comfy, but tonight, running on programmes and tasks, i had a vision of being forced into a mould in which our comfyness has no place. stern, and i had a sudden sense of estrangement, which was pretty awful.

– nothing in the preparations so far has been real, nothing, except, the love of our friends. tonight, seeing so many gathered in the sanctuary, focused on their areas of responsibility, i saw how much it takes to support a couple, and got a glimpse of how well we are loved.

thanks guys, you’re the real deal in the daze of it all.

Note to self:

February 13, 2014

Remember the man I’m marrying. Remember more-

Than the nights spent staying up while he’s studying, while he’s working, while he’s settling his course-mates’ conflicts and I wonder to what end, am I staying up for, and whether I make any difference, if things mightn’t be the same if he were single. Remember more-

Than the confusion in my head and heart, and the thoughts that whisper to me you’re only getting the leftovers of him, he’s been so tired recently; your sacrifice is useless, you’re staying up hoping you guys can do your nightly calls, but he’s going to tell you he’s too tired, he’s going to call it a night, you’re going to have stayed up for nothing. Remember more-

Than the sinking feeling within my insides, the fears and doubts that make me touch my phone every minute or two, wanting a message from him, ears tensed up, to hear the buzz of the phone against my bedsheets, biting my lip for a note that will tell me he’s ready, it’s my turn now, I’m sent for, I’m wanted. Because-

Holding on to hope can be a tearful struggle, trying to believe can be hard. We’ve barely begun, and tonight I know the worst is yet to be. But I came on tonight to wrestle it out that-

I will remember the man I am marrying, I will remember he is to be loved more than myself. I affirm this means supporting his efforts, knowing how much he tries. I will remember this man I am marrying has a tender heart, is slow to anger, and quick to forgive. This man I am marrying, has a cheerful spirit, a yearning for that great day, a hope for glory. This man I am marrying, is proud of me.

It is 1:42 in the morning and I am so tired my body’s veins are reverberating. We are three days to the wedding, but where we are now I can’t see that far, I can’t see three days ahead. Are we supposed to feel this low?

then I go bloghopping a bit (a bit because no one really writes anymore) and see a post of someone excited about our marriage. it lifts my spirits up, it’s nice that something we’re doing means something for someone.

I don’t know how long I’ll be up tonight, or what I’ll be doing, or how many more nights like this are to come- but I’m going to stay up anyway in case he needs me, in case he sounds out, because we’re a team. And team mates have each other’s backs.

words are wandering

February 4, 2014

did we live in mongolia, or did we not?

i said it better once than i ever have since, and now in remembering i think i have lost a post- where did it go, i am vaguely unsettled.

but mongolia was a long time ago, and unsettledness can be put aside; not much would have been lost. even mongolia. but today, we saw dinosaurs today, and ergonomic chairs. of course m knows more than i; it’s always been this way, since we were kids and i was the one with eyes that watched more than anything. yesterday it came to me that the children in my family are made up of an only child and younger son. i regret i never did the older sibling thing well.

i wonder what i have done well, or how i have made my Father proud of me. perhaps his pride is based on his love for me and not on anything i’ve done particularly well; perhaps his pride increases because i love him too; i see how that works for my earthly father. my birthday wish still stands.

i know i know very little, and have even less of the depth i wish to have, and that i crumble when i ought to walk. give me wisdom, hear my cry.