over dinner for their 28th wedding anniversary-

me: what’s the best thing about being married?
daddy: the company (of mommy)


showing them their wedding anniversary present, a couple project thing-

mommy (telling daddy): okay, you can do it while i’m away in new zealand and australia
daddy: but i don’t want to do it alone


everybody now, awwwwh.



November 21, 2013

to choose, to go on hoping, that things will be well once more, one day, maybe soon, hopefully soon; to still keep the smile going, that bit more, because kindness will always be the better option, all the while in a kind of hopeless haze, vaguely understanding that things don’t make sense anymore and there’s no help for it but to push on. because kindness will always be the better option.

to hope, when the insides are tired all around, all around is confused and i am too, seems stupid,  but you know, someone better at this than i am, said there’s a God who turns things on their heads, and if that is true maybe my hope isn’t all that stupid after all. still, either belief is tiring.

there’s no help for it but to go on. it’s only the death of little things.

more lessons (last night’s)

November 19, 2013

– tell the devil ‘Shh!’
– when i hear a voice in my head, check if it’s from Jesus or not from Jesus
– when i’m upset or confused, pray then obey

reminder from this morning’s qt
– gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
– remember i am his child
– rest in that knowledge
– act in peace
– when betrayed/in times of earth-shaking, i’d better believe there is justice for evil (in the world and in me), and his name is the Lord Almighty.
– go to the temple; there exists a beauty greater than anything else in the universe, bigger and huger than anything else.
– peace is not found in trying to figure things out- peace is found in Him, and in worshipping Him, our minds encouraged by the beauty of the Lord, to whom we have been connected by grace.

i went through two nightmares last night. both involved rejection and abandon. it hurt very much.

lessons from long distance

November 11, 2013

we marked the end of long distance by going to the river safari today. i don’t know how they’re linked. incidentally, the day was also a sort of celebration of our first anniversary and a day. perhaps it was simply about any excuse to do something nice, for me at least; it’s nice to do something, well, nice once in awhile. mm. preamble aside, here’s what i really wanted to remember about long-distance:

1) long distance is hard work, and so are relationships. the sheer hard work of the effort of grace and forgiveness, of serving the other at the expense of the self. i must not be duped into thinking that love and relationships come easy, or that we will not be asked to walk the route of reconciliation with a heart torn by the other.

2) quality time comes out of quantity time- not of itself

3) we fought for this- i want to remember that we fought hard for this. when the weariness of the mundane sets in and familiarity breeds contempt, i want to remember that familiarity and the mundane, the ordinary has its place under the sun; that there is something to be said for a man who after work still comes home daily; not to despise the routine, but have wisdom to recognise my blessings and the grace to walk accordingly. if we could have fought and survived long distance, we can fight and survive its other extreme-

mysterious, inexplicable and incompatible, perhaps, but as i learnt on sunday, the greatest mystery, the greatest inexplicability and incompatibility, is a holy God who has offered sinful humanity, salvation and grace.

life has been a floffing flurry of event planning- them weddings, that is. while a gentle frothing now, in all likelihood the rhythm is set to intensify in the coming months. methinks planning for three weddings in three months be just a leetle much. justt a little. for someone who’s strongest suit really isn’t organising, this is irony.

so i’ve come here to ramble and (incoming irony alert!) organising my upper insides some. perhaps we are in the middle of irony day, or something. anyhow.

let’s begin with triffles: i’m beginning to get a feel of dresses, which, considering how it’s been wedding season, is about time. but the pity is, while perhaps the dress is out there, i have not been. there was one that called, but let’s sing the one that got away. then again i saw another, but they (invoking the nameless ‘they’ because it’s convenient and adds to the pathos) could not, would not let us be together, the discrimination against backless gowns and destroyers of beauty. cue popular vaguely tragically romantic lyric. you see i am on a roll today. and i shall roll the paragraph away with the observation that the dress that has been chosen, has been for another rather than mine; i shall only hope i pull off the dress on that day (figuratively, mind you), and wear it like i own it. i intend certain specific things unnamed here; but i will say that joy and i had a very entertaining conversation last night at 2 a.m. deciding how, and what to do. but nothing doing.

in other news, in other lives, there have been reflections, and stumbling upon old ones. there is a weight in reading thoughts past, in revisiting previous pains and confusions, in attempting to surface and understand lines drawn previously, and just what prompted them, what their connections are. the problem is, words written in hurting times are often puzzles themselves. how do we make sense of instinct?

maybe, we do what we can, the best we can. but even then, we don’t always. i hadn’t loved well, then, but acted like a child. flee, we are told; there was so much i should have fled from, that i would have been the better for.

still, thank God, by Him we are not the sum of our mistakes, for then i would be wretched. thank God, that by Him we are counted as ransomed, and redeemed, and that there is hope.