handled, and loved

April 30, 2013

perhaps, if i wrote these thoughts out of my head, they wouldn’t run rings around me at night. or they would stay with me, companions of what is true and good. it’s horribly ironic that my fears come in razor sharp images and entire scenarios, unbidden and so easily, while my sure hope is still mostly a stranger; unknown and requiring so much effort.

here i go then, in jumbledness and incoherence.

i wonder, what it takes to plan for next year, together. it looks an issue of trust and partnership, on my side. can i trust him to be on the ball; would he be aware, would he get round to it?

i imagine it’d be fairer if i did trust now, and waited, and watched. that’s what i told myself last night, and certainly that seems better than raising it now. oh, why am i so anxious?

i sense monsters, harbingers of distress and mistrust. last night, pictures came over and over again, of deadlines and timelines, of cracks, of whens; situations overwhelming and beyond what i could bear, pressures and stresses that feel too much and i imagine bolting and running away- would i be chased and tackled down, saved from myself?

i need Jesus. i want those pictures out of my head, and those stories that fill me with fear, gone. let me recount what i learnt: jacob spent twenty years on a walkabout and possibly got worse (sermon/character study, minute 13). if the patriarch of israel could have such a story of damage and issues, if the deceiver, the stubborn, self-reliant man who had poison and distrust in his veins, someone who spent twenty years being taught life’s hardest lessons but basically stayed at square one- could be handled by God and loved- i, with my cluelessness on grace and forgiveness, continuing assumptions of the need to pay for my own sins and wrongdoings, my self-reliance and mistrust-

we need to know that this God is the good shepherd is able to rescue even the most lost and gone sheep, the deeply sick and wounded. we need to know that this Lord is willing to be patient with us, and go the extra mile with us, keep encouraging us, and will not give up on us, even when we’ve given up on ourselves. that he will see us fully, and still love us, and help us deal with our sins- deal with our sins, for us. 

i want to see the steadfast love, the amazing grace of my heavenly father. what will it take to change me, and bring me home?

teach me who i am, and who you are, that i may return home. amen.


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