handled, and loved

April 30, 2013

perhaps, if i wrote these thoughts out of my head, they wouldn’t run rings around me at night. or they would stay with me, companions of what is true and good. it’s horribly ironic that my fears come in razor sharp images and entire scenarios, unbidden and so easily, while my sure hope is still mostly a stranger; unknown and requiring so much effort.

here i go then, in jumbledness and incoherence.

i wonder, what it takes to plan for next year, together. it looks an issue of trust and partnership, on my side. can i trust him to be on the ball; would he be aware, would he get round to it?

i imagine it’d be fairer if i did trust now, and waited, and watched. that’s what i told myself last night, and certainly that seems better than raising it now. oh, why am i so anxious?

i sense monsters, harbingers of distress and mistrust. last night, pictures came over and over again, of deadlines and timelines, of cracks, of whens; situations overwhelming and beyond what i could bear, pressures and stresses that feel too much and i imagine bolting and running away- would i be chased and tackled down, saved from myself?

i need Jesus. i want those pictures out of my head, and those stories that fill me with fear, gone. let me recount what i learnt: jacob spent twenty years on a walkabout and possibly got worse (sermon/character study, minute 13). if the patriarch of israel could have such a story of damage and issues, if the deceiver, the stubborn, self-reliant man who had poison and distrust in his veins, someone who spent twenty years being taught life’s hardest lessons but basically stayed at square one- could be handled by God and loved- i, with my cluelessness on grace and forgiveness, continuing assumptions of the need to pay for my own sins and wrongdoings, my self-reliance and mistrust-

we need to know that this God is the good shepherd is able to rescue even the most lost and gone sheep, the deeply sick and wounded. we need to know that this Lord is willing to be patient with us, and go the extra mile with us, keep encouraging us, and will not give up on us, even when we’ve given up on ourselves. that he will see us fully, and still love us, and help us deal with our sins- deal with our sins, for us. 

i want to see the steadfast love, the amazing grace of my heavenly father. what will it take to change me, and bring me home?

teach me who i am, and who you are, that i may return home. amen.


unday, July 27, 2008

a happy day :)

-excerpt from an email i wrote”i had a fantastic saturday, that more than made up for my previous saturday. last sat, the hall was supposed to bring us new internationals to kapiti island (bird scantuary) and then to lindale for ice cream. lindale is famous for its ice cream, and everyone knows it.
but the trip got cancelled because of bad weather. and it was the SECOND time it got cancelled! so i woke up for lunch, read the announcement on the whiteboard, ate lunch, and spent the entire day in front of the computer wishing i was somewhere else, anywhere else in the world but weary wellington.so yes, that was my saturday last week. but two days ago, on friday night, i was chatting with a friend after icf (international christian fellowship) and he was asking me how i find wellington. he was born in auckland, but his parents are singaporean and he goes back to singapore like once every year. so i was like, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr idon’treallyknowhowtolikeitihaven’tbeenaround and then he was like, well why don’t you go out? what do you do on saturdays? i was like AHHH HAHA and then explained what it had been like. and he took pity on me (as everyone in the world does; i seem to be in perpetual distressed damsel mode around the globe or something) and he was like, okay what are you doing on sat, tmrw? and i was like, er, nothing? (there was supposed to have been a trip to the Red Rocks to see seals but it got CANCELLED on thursday because the weather forecasts predicted BAD WEATHERRRRRR AHH) nothing at all and he was like, okay i’ll take you around.

and he did! he picked me up ouside my hall at abt two, and he was like, okay i don’t really have any plans, is there anywhere you want to go? and i was like, no, so he drove on. he wanted to bring me to a mall i think (quite lame, but it does also highlight my desperate situation; i haven’t actually been to a mall. i’ve been to town, but town’s just streets of shops. not a building. no mall.) but when we got there parking was absolutely crazy-they don’t do stuff right in new zealand- so we gave up and he drove on. and then apparently we were quite near to a lotr film site and i wanted to see it so he took me but it was a letdown; just a normal river and i don’t see how it had looked so magnificent when frodo was crossing the river with the witch kings behind him. well then after that i was telling him that i haven’t seen any sheep here and that if new zealand wanted to salvage its reputation of being mehmeh land i would need to see some soon. and he was like, i’ll take you. and so he drove out of town, and after a while (by this time after the mall plus driving, it was more than an hour of being in the car) I SAW SHEEP! on the hills grazing as we drove on the motorway/highway. so all’s good, i’ve seen sheep and can reassure everyone back home that new zealand has sheep. hahahahahaha. i even saw cows. :D
and and and GUESS WHAT! we went to lindalllleeeee!!! we were like, driving and driving and driving and i was wondering where on earth we were and suddenly i saw a bilboard that said somethingsomethingsomething LINDALE and i was like GASSSSPPPP LINDALE??? and he grinned and he was like, what? no, we can’t be going to lindale BUT IT WAS HAHAH I WENT TO LINDALE AND I HAD TWO SCOOPS OF FAMOUS ICE CREAM. he said that after we were at the lotr site and drove out to see the sheep, lindale was pretty much on the way so he just decided to bring me there. yayyyyyy.
the ice cream was okayyyy la. i mean. fig and honey was awwwwesome but then again it generally is a kickass combination but then i had their medal winning feijoa and it was weird. haha.

and i spent like, an hour on my two scoops! i didn’t realise i eat so slowly. =Pp so it was turning dark by the time i’d finished. and then i thought, oh okay it’s over right, since nz goes to sleep at five o’clock. hahah. but apparently he isn’t like the usual laid back kiwi. soooooooo we continued.
actually, the day was a bit tiring, trying to figure out his own person against what i’ve learnt of the kiwi culture so far. like, i thought that all kiwis go to sleep at five right, but he doesn’t. so that took a bit of delicate figuring out and asking little questions here and there. quite tiring.
so anyway, turns out he wanted to bring me to see the night view on mt vic because i’d commented on a postcard of the view when we were at lindale and waiting for me to finish the ice cream. i thought that was pretty cool.

but the weather was disgusting. the entire day’s weather had been disgusting so even after we went to the top we both decided we didn’t want to walk up to the lookout point so we stayed in the car and talked and i even made up stories. hahaha. don’t you wish that it was you i was telling stories to? i would have liked that.
then afterward we hung out at his place and watched family guy and then he drove me back. we thought of him showing me the clubbing scene, but the weather was too bad and we were both tired from the day so we decided against it.

like my email? very long hor.

i got to run now,

much love,

off the top of my head

April 26, 2013

1) currently tasting the idea of my self being an ambivert; it does seem likely.

2) i’d like to go to scotland, one day


3) i was tracing the line across the years, reading the story of my own development; i even know which ones and when. funny; i used to be so expressive and, a rainbow-throwing, smile-contaging kind of girl; i think i made people happy just by walking up to them.

Long Distance

April 24, 2013

banging on conversation, silence, working hard.

a series of questions? a template; not that we’ve got any, but it’s been okay.

sure a lot of empty space. in between, all around, everywhere.

trust. that silence and distance combined doesn’t necessarily add up to absence

effort: ‘tell me all about your day, yes, i do want to know every detail. you used to tell me the same, remember?’

April 19, 2013

So I googled ‘the gospel’, and here’s something that I keep coming back to-

Perspective #1-

“… and that’s why the Bible is so thick. It’s because there are so many different needs that you have, and there are suitable places where the gospel is unfolded for you, so that if you immerse yourself in the whole Book, always with an eye, to what Christ has wrought for you and purchased for you in this thick, glorious history of God’s direction, people, he will give you what you need.”

The Bible is for me and for my needs?

Well. Here’s something else I looked up-

Perspective #2

“We want: to be driven by a purpose that has been tailored just right for our individual lives [which is of course infinitely preferable to living aimlessly]- when we should be seeing the purpose of all life, including our own, wrapped up in the great mission of God for the whole of creation.

We ask: ‘where does God fit into the story of my life?’, when the real question is where does my little life fit into this great story of God’s mission.

We talk: about the problems of ‘applying the Bible to our lives’ which often means somewhat adjectivally to fit into the assume ‘reality’ of the life we live ‘in the real world’. – what would it mean to apply our lives to the Bible instead, assuming the Bible to be the reality- the real Story- to which we are called to conform ourselves?”


One voice talks of the Book of the Bible being unfolded for our lives and our needs, the other talks about our lives and our needs being fit for the Story of the Bible.

Maybe there is no real contradiction, for both these men love God and give their lives to furthering his Kingdom and serving His people. Which is good and brings comfort, in the midst of loud noise from so many debating and faulting. There’s a whole cacophony of sounds out there, mostly claiming authority; a prime example here- http://vinothramachandra.wordpress.com/2010/11/20/whose-prioritywhich-gospel/

It’s unsettling to follow the conversation and read commentators assuming superiority, and worse, smearing mud on the personal characters of others they disagree with. I know we can get worked up and exceedingly so in the thick of a heated discussion, but we are a peculiar people set aside for him and marked by grace and called to reconciliation- and unity. It is a sorry situation to reflect on. Thank God, for his Word, which gives calm to an uneasy soul. I’ll end with this from Romans 14:17 (see also 18&19)

“The kingdom of God is … righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.”

And that, is what the kingdom is about. Thank God, it is not about who’s right, or who knows more, or is superior. God’s kingdom is marked by the qualities of righteousness and peace and joy, and whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men.

Let me then pursue what makes for peace, and mutual upbuilding.


Postscript: for citation’s sake, the first was from Piper, and the second, Wright (of Chris Wright, not N.T./Tom).

April 17, 2013