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God is in control… Really?

February 20, 2013

So for the past few days I’ve been struggling with doubt.

I suppose I’m tired, having to surrender over and over again- My thoughts on what things should be, my desire for assurance, to be satisfied, to be secure.

But the question is, where am I looking for assurance, and what knowledge do I want, to be satisfied and secure? Therein, are the lies and falsities exposed for what they are.

I keep looking for assurance, satisfaction and security in places that cannot give. I am expecting them from sources I have no right to expect from. I have been pressurising myself and others wrongly and unfairly.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

I cannot afford any other hope. And yet the paradigm shift that I need is so hard to do.

I realised, somewhere along the way the past few days, that what was going through my mind was not only bringing me pain, but was a falsehood somewhere. At first I couldn’t think because the emotions were blocking out everything else, but there does come a point after enough tears where emotions die down, kind of like a flattened forest after the pillage of the wind. I could start processing after that. It took awhile, but after a couple of days came, “surrender thoughts to God, bring them captive to Christ. Think about what is true, and remember his goodness”. May not sound like a lot here, but it was a lifeline to hold onto for me.

So much of what goes/was going through my head were suggestions- nothing more. Yet I’d begun listening to them, and in so doing, affirmed the fears and insecurities swirling within. And as I did they grew more powerful. It has taken an active step to consciously punch these thoughts away, and say, ‘that’s Not true. Stop it. Go away’. They never go away completely, but they aren’t so big anymore. I speak these words aloud sometimes.

God is my source of assurance, satisfaction, security, and more. I have been believing in certain equations which, upon examination, do not add up. I have been holding certain premises for my happiness, when these premises are false. And happiness isn’t even the point. Lie upon lie.

I know what I want. I want to care foremost about the things of God. I want to be satisfied wholly in Christ. I want to be secure entirely in God. I want Him to be my assurance.

It really hasn’t been the easiest lesson, nor the fastest learnt. I’m still in it, in fact. Sometimes it feels like I’m being torn root by root, down to the very smallest strand, out of the environment I’ve settled in to. It’s the wrong kind of soil, I’d be damaged if I stayed. My Maker knows that. I’d put down roots when I haven’t reached home yet.

My home is in Christ. Now, I want to make that my reality. I need to remember that God actually loves me, actively, and gives me grace and strength for my journey here on earth. I want to drop the lies that I will be satisfied elsewhere, or secure in anything but Christ. For too long I’ve believed that God is distant, He is remote. That is an absolute falsehood. My Father is worth trusting, He gives me joy and peace. How, could I have not made the connection?

I have been disheartened, but I know it has been good. I’d learn this lesson any day, and if anything, I want to learn it completely.

But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away “blindly” so to speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality: but you must not go to Him for the sake of that. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ’s and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters… Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up your self, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

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in the face of my Self

February 17, 2013

Repeat January 21, 2013. and oh, echoes of 8th Feb.

together

February 15, 2013

we spent our first calenderically-official roses and hearts day together, hidden behind a small road, sitting on plastic chairs belonging to a simple prata shop. the end of rain dripping down roofs and canvases, florescent lights stark against the night sky; we were away from noise and crowd, working through what we had to. there were neither roses nor hearts, a night so different from what he said he’d surprise me with, but; he rearranged so that i sat beside him, no longer opposite, and after a silence, leaned down to envelope me into himself.

we were together, and that was enough.

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