September 7, 2012

i could possibly refrain from diving into the day, into the deep; that way, when he finds me, i wouldn’t feel so out of sorts, pulled from my thoughts. he likes me to be cheery like my mum is, and smiling. you should smile more. when you smile, people smile back. 

i am conscious that he has chosen somebody more serious than he may have liked, someone more solemn than carefree, more inside her head than otherwise. i am also conscious of my restraint around him. i wonder why.

i am content with the quietness of home, silence except the blowing of the fan and listening to my own thoughts. the afternoon light streams in and birds sound occasionally. and all is still except the clatter of keys.

in such a state, expressions of excitement, smileys and exclamation marks feel unfamiliar. but i try, because he likes to see me happy, and i like him happy.

sometimes, i feel like i’ve turned into a mouldering tree, moss-covered and decaying in forgotten neglect. an ent grown tree-like. well now he asks me to brush off the nests in my hair and walk once more, amongst the sunshine and wind. the wind that will not leave.

is this to go on for three years? such a length of time sounds next to eternity. one day, two months, three years,- eternity.

my thoughts: waiting is good, for more reasons than one. waiting reveals my heart, and turns me into something more shapeful, more solid. ruth said the night before, God is sovereign, and if this is from him, he will surely enable me/us to go through it. and if it is not, then it will be taken away. there is truth in what she said. let me rest in his sovereignty, then.


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