August 24, 2012

past midnight; just finished numbing myself with homefeed on facebook; i’m almost ashamed to say. people drown their sorrows in drink, i zone out with scroll after scroll of words and pictures- so many of them meaningless. so many of them meaningless.

once again, i am so afraid you will choose death and that you will do it by your hand. and it tears me up inside, that someone like you so special and strong and brave, could be bearing so much pain. why, i ask my God again and again. why?

i’d like to think, praying for you makes a difference, that God hears and he cares and you matter to him; it’s really all i have to go on anyway. but you know, d, i think of parents who have prayed for their similarly distressed children, only to be met with the grief of suicide- what am i to think then?

i wonder what you would tell me, you with the most gentle smile and love for your peers, yet devastated by what you say was God’s absence in time of need. you say God will not exist in your world, but once you told me giving God a second chance is something you struggle with too. dear, stubborn kid, and my dear, almighty Father, is it too much of a stretch to say i have found myself caught between the battle of two strong wills, ah.

what, i ask myself over and over, would make a difference. can God be moved? if i shed enough tears, pray intensely enough, anything- anyone?


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