All quotes by Stoppard-

– “We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.” (guildenstern)

– “We’re actors- we’re the opposite of people!” (Player)

– “Pirates could happen to anyone.”

– “Life is a gamble, at terrible odds. If it were a bet you wouldn’t take it.” (Player)

– “Rosencrantz: I don’t believe in it anyway.
Guildenstern: What?
Rosencrantz: England.
Guildenstern: Just a conspiracy of cartographers, then?”


Rosencrantz: Did you ever think of yourself as actually dead, lying in a box with a lid on it?

Guildenstern: No.

Rosencrantz: Nor do I, really. It’s silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in a box. One keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead, which should make all the difference, shouldn’t it? I mean, you’d never know you were in a box, would you? It would be just like you were asleep in a box. Not that I’d like to sleep in a box, mind you. Not without any air. You’d wake up dead, for a start, and then where would you be? In a box. That’s the bit I don’t like, frankly. That’s why I don’t think of it. Because you’d be helpless, wouldn’t you? Stuffed in a box like that. I mean, you’d be in there forever, even taking into account the fact that you’re dead. It isn’t a pleasant thought. Especially if you’re dead, really. Ask yourself, if I asked you straight off, “I’m going to stuff you in this box. Now, would you rather be alive or dead?” Naturally, you’d prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You’d have a chance, at least. You could lie there thinking, “Well. At least I’m not dead. In a minute somebody is going to bang on the lid, and tell me to come out.” [bangs on lid] “Hey, you! What’s your name? Come out of there!”

[long pause]

Guildenstern: I think I’m going to kill you.


August 24, 2012

past midnight; just finished numbing myself with homefeed on facebook; i’m almost ashamed to say. people drown their sorrows in drink, i zone out with scroll after scroll of words and pictures- so many of them meaningless. so many of them meaningless.

once again, i am so afraid you will choose death and that you will do it by your hand. and it tears me up inside, that someone like you so special and strong and brave, could be bearing so much pain. why, i ask my God again and again. why?

i’d like to think, praying for you makes a difference, that God hears and he cares and you matter to him; it’s really all i have to go on anyway. but you know, d, i think of parents who have prayed for their similarly distressed children, only to be met with the grief of suicide- what am i to think then?

i wonder what you would tell me, you with the most gentle smile and love for your peers, yet devastated by what you say was God’s absence in time of need. you say God will not exist in your world, but once you told me giving God a second chance is something you struggle with too. dear, stubborn kid, and my dear, almighty Father, is it too much of a stretch to say i have found myself caught between the battle of two strong wills, ah.

what, i ask myself over and over, would make a difference. can God be moved? if i shed enough tears, pray intensely enough, anything- anyone?


August 20, 2012

whiling the hours away at home on a public holiday as muslims around the world celebrate. i had lunch with the parents and grandmother, setting out some fifteen minutes after i woke up; sitting down to kway chap and hmm, the dessert that has bits of tau kee, barley and ginko nuts.

perfect means complete, i learnt yesterday. and complete means a purpose meeting its end. one day i will be complete. for now, i read the lord of the rings, and wait for a certain someone to call. although i must say every time it comes to merry and pippin, a marked irish brogue reads the lines in my head. i wonder if i’ll ever be able to code-switch into the accent. i would like that.

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?

August 20, 2012

1) “Though one Wizard that I know took up the art long ago, and became as skilful in it as in all other things that he put his mind to.” (The Hobbit, Chapter 2)

2) ‘But it does not seem that I can trust anyone,’ said Frodo.

Sam looked at him unhappily. ‘It all depends on what you want,’ put in Merry. ‘You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin- to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours- closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo. … We are horribly afraid- but we are coming with you; or following you like hounds.’ (The Fellowship of the Ring, Book One, V)

3) ‘It has hard to be sure of anything among so many marvels’ said Éomer.’ The world is all grown strange. … How shall a man judge what to do in such times?’

“As he ever has judged,’ said Aragorn. ‘Good and ill have not changed since yesteryear; nor are they one thing among Elves and Dwarves and another among Men. It is a man’s part to discern them, as much in the Golden Wood as in his own house.’ (The Two Towers, The Riders of Rohan)

4) why i am so fond of gimli- ‘Then what shall we do not?’ said Gimli. ‘We cannot pursue them through the whole fastness of Fangorn. We have come ill supplied. If we do not find them soon, we shall be of no use to them, except to sit down beside them and show our friendship by starving together.’ (The Two Towers, Book Three, Chapter V)

of long distance.

perhaps a cancelled phone call is no big deal most times and perhaps that is true, but times with him are not most times and they are precious to me.

it is difficult, building a house with someone who is not just far away, but far away and given to various commitments. there are things that mismatch, then, what is ideal and would fall under whimsical, prettily coloured books where there is a girl in a dress laughing and a boy beside her, just so, just right; when in reality i have been working through my brokenness and he has been simply busy.

yet- i would not exchange even this process for anything else in the world; the unexpected beauty of leaning into the shelter of his arms, the promise given that i finally have a safety, a protector, i have someone who will stand by me and remind me of better things, that in addition to the flaws and weaknesses i see so clearly inside of me, there is Christ, and how we who have Christ have hope.

there is much to rejoice, even in down times, keeping this in memory. one day this chunk, big as it is, will float down gently and rest, against the house of our dreams; we will work till then.

how is anyone supposed to react to news of planned death, to hear it is imminent, and that a date has been planned? or tell of the hours spent literally begging for life.

by the time we finally parted, it was night. but– we parted with his repartee. in other words, a kind of humour. and- with a scrawled inked-over tissue paper; one ply for him and one for me. in it, a promise for life. i’m still somewhat dazed by the entire thing. from death to life. for now. even then, an extension, at best. how long can a body live on puffs of air?

but what else could i have done?


‘can you stay?’ 

‘tell me the date, please? please? please? please, i have no other word than please.’ 

the story of a bent twig, and dependence.

a story of two friends, one of whom went away and never came back. and left the other one alone. ‘do you like that story?’ ‘no.’

i cry. over and over again. ‘you’re breaking my heart. forgive me? forgive me?’  

‘you told me to find someone to trust. you told me some battles are not meant to be fought alone. if you go, i won’t know what was real and what was pretend. i won’t even know which memories to trust; i have such a bad memory. F- Fuck.’  


remember, d. at the end of it you promised to stay. we did a pinky promise with the thumbs up thingy.

i figure

August 12, 2012

i’m ready. i just have to work through the process, and, myself.