February 24, 2017

– more days to a new life. Half-new? I wonder what it’ll be like, how we’ll settle in.

– years since his training begun. 3 years and 3 months, to be more accurate.

– anniversaries


February 8, 2017

1. If one is confident, or proficient, an assessment is even a source of excitement.

2. However, if one is uncertain, or only certain of one’s unskillfullnes, c’est pas malheur. Just turning up, is also an accomplishment, its own merit.

We can all turn up. There is no shame in turning up to fail. There does exist the sting of failure, especially when it happens over anything we care particularly about, but disappointment is not shame. Do not confuse the two. We who arrive and fail, can still hold our heads up. Failure to show, however, is a close relative of averted eyes.

Annual love letter to God

February 6, 2017

Was not written in time for my birthday, after all. Nor is this it.

Listening Adele sing a song of regret and movies. The weather isn’t obvious enough for netball to be called either way.

It’s Stephanie Sun’s turn; she’s singing about stars and light, yours and mine. She’s searching, and maybe so am I. We are dust, after all.

Can I really help? Am I a source of support, or a burden, or a series of messages to be ignored?

Ed shereen sees fire, and wants to be remembered. well. that sounds about right.

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January 25, 2017

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I argued with you

January 14, 2017

But you stayed, and we ended with I love yous.

January 13, 2017

I failed today’s lesson pretty spectacularily badly. It’s been awhile since I had this feeling; but as with all unpleasant emotions, sitting it through has lot to do with, well, riding it out. I will sit, ride, and try again in good time.

I forgot

January 9, 2017

Today, we bought durians; I opened five of them myself, and gave most away. I asked my grandmother if she’d like to go to heaven, and she said my uncle has been telling her to pray to the gods.

It’s been hard to sleep. I toss and turn, and think about clear minds, clear eyes, and light. There was a dragon dance and drums, at dinner. I saw eusoff colours in a singlet today, and it was hard to look away.

What else? Half a week ago, a lifetime ago, I came back from a burial and asked if I could skip the lunar new year, be alone, fly away, not make visits. Please.

I missed my chance, I just realised, and silently laugh at myself. I don’t like long-distance, but there is nothing to be done about it but grace, and peut-ĂȘtre a good face.


And that’s okay.